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lotesseflower

whatever title suit

Aug. 26th, 2016 | 04:09 am
music: Vienna Teng

the rest of the inner-child stuff, at least for nowCollapse )

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lotesseflower

whatever title suit

Aug. 18th, 2016 | 01:15 pm

my internet went out @12:30 last night and finally I just gave up and went to bed -- feeling hella discombobulated this morning

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lotesseflower

whatever title suit

Aug. 14th, 2016 | 09:21 pm

Ok, more about the inner child stuff - I'm gonna write in chronological order, because I don't have another way to make sense of the matter as of yet.

We were doing an exercise. I was answering a sequence of five questions in order to build a picture of myself at the spirit level. The task was to listen to what I knew in my heart and tell the truth.Collapse )

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lotesseflower

a history of my life as a spiritualist

Aug. 14th, 2016 | 05:42 pm

(i don't know why i'm writing any of this; i'm going to post instead of deleting bc i want to be able to look back later and see if i can get a better grip on what's been going on in my head.)

losing/regaining my religionCollapse )

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lotesseflower

whatever title suit

Aug. 8th, 2016 | 05:54 pm

It is too dry and too bright; I would sell my soul just now for a cloudy day

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lotesseflower

whatever title suit

Aug. 5th, 2016 | 08:54 pm

Okay, after that introductory blather: I'm working on dealing with my angry inner child.

The woman I'm working with practices shiatsu, but I don't actually know what the lineage of the program we're doing is; we've been talking about Campbell, a bit, some kind of Jungian thing, she's sort of Caroline Myss-y. She helps me protect and elevate a space where I can be honest about the things that I know in my spirit. I like working with her, because she lets me use my own words and images, and I feel like when I tell her no or want to adjust understandings she listens and quickly groks my objections. She praises me for being brave. It's nice.

The last few years, I've been haunted by this sense of my inner child. A lot of the inner-child stuff that's out there is about accepting the child, or forgiving the child, but I've had the opposite problem: I see my child self as a blaze of power, and I'd been feeling like I'd gone and killed her, her pale ghost would show up sometimes to rub my nose in what I'd done. We're angry at me for losing ground to stupid stereotypical enmeshment with a man; we were supposed to be better than that. She's a snob, really, thinks we have to be held to a higher standard.

So at this point I guess I've got help to break through some of the frozen horrified paralysis I'd been experiencing when I'd seen myself as her murderer, and she and I are maybe going to have a bit of a fight now? Hopefully it will be one of those productive ones where things get hashed out, and I'm hoping it will help me understand why I've been experiencing so much self-perpetuating emotional pain.

I will write more about the child's anger, what language she uses and what I think she might really be angry about underneath, later, but this is all I can do for tonight. It's been awfully hot here the last few days, and the north wind didn't roll in last night until after 4 am, so of course I didn't sleep, haven't slept. Starting an essay on A Wizard of Earthsea, which is, you know, apt. Rereading Le Guin's excellent "The Child and the Shadow" first.

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lotesseflower

whatever title suit

Aug. 5th, 2016 | 01:30 pm

So I want to write a little bit about what I'm doing for treatment/self-support right now.

I've been seeing a therapist again since February. I've been fine with that, but haven't felt like she gets me/has the toolkits to help me.

I feel like my approach to treatment keeps vacillating depending on whether I'm insisting that he did *so* mistreat me, in which circumstance I look for help for abused women, or whether I'm thinking about my issues as a larger gestalt, in which case I reach for spiritual helpers.

There are two defensive points I (feel like I) need to make. 1) he abused me for nearly a decade, and it was not the case that we were just a couple that both had issues, he was cruel and manipulative and it is not okay that he treated me the way that he did, and it is NOT MY FAULT. 2) The language and approach of energy workers, mediums, and other practitioners of the arts of "woo" are so much more evocative for me that the language and approach of modern psychiatry. This is cultural: it's what I was raised to. I have shame about it, and medico-scientific terminology comes easier to my tongue. But it's not really what I mean. I think "Christian Therapy" is episteme-closing bullshit, but I still respond so much more to my grandparents' religious practices than I have to years of psych work.

I want to speak in my own language, in my own way. I want to be public about who I am and where I come from - and being the medium's granddaughter is a big part of that. So.

I will write more about specifics later; i'm feeling too nervous about everything to go on now. Talking like this makes me feel so terribly exposed; i suppose that means it's important to do

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lotesseflower

whatever title suit

Jul. 27th, 2016 | 05:04 pm

I actually really love the "Buffy is torn from heaven" S6 plotline, although it's wound around a lot of Spike/Buffy stuff that I'm sorry just squicks me. Her little descending musical line in OMWF is the best bit of the entire set, and one of the top memorable moments from the show for me. It drives home the truth that grief is not for the one lost but for the ones left; you can tell yourself, as Willow does, that your beloved one somehow needs your distress, but you'll be wrong. The dead are fine; it's the living who suffer pain.

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lotesseflower

whatever title suit

Jul. 25th, 2016 | 10:41 pm
music: Nicki Minaj

keyed right back the fuck up about the "progressive" white dudes who think they own the left, wow.

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lotesseflower

and now - fannish content!

Jul. 25th, 2016 | 01:27 pm

I fell back into BtVS courtesy of Jenny Trout's watchthrough - I don't know that I'd recommend it though, really, I don't think her analysis is quite smart enough to be worth reading. But she ships Buffy/Giles in a loud, proud, and kinky way that seriously works for me, and I started poking through episodes to find bits she was talking about because her screenshots are all bleeding broken, and then I was in the middle of season 3?

-I like the arc of the whole story best when I'm shipping Buffy/Giles. All other readings are too depressing.

-I am still fucking easy for Angel though, and I don't understand why - after all this time, really? He just does it for me in some idk hindbrainy way. B/A is uncomfortable for me now, though, owing to Ex Issues.

-I don't like s4 on the whole but that is some boss shit it's doing at the end with Frankenstein/parenting issues/Haraway-style cyborgism. Hella fine structural work. Elegant af.

-Joss really does still work for me, in a deep and fundamental way

-although all of a sudden I think Willow is disturbing and creepy as a person, and i'm not at all surprised she skins a dude after a few years tbqh

-wow also Riley's Black Friend is the weakest character in the entire buffyverse, what the hell.

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